D e s t r o y
by belladonnanroses
Summary: Takes place during Season Four. Willow muses about her inner darkness and her burgeoning relationship with Tara. Lyrics are by THC from the song 'Destroy'.


'I stood by on my skin   
  
You may know me now'   
  
When I close my eyes I can still feel him. Warm and pulsing and gentle. His body was so much smaller than mine but we fit together like we were made for each other. For the longest time I thought that we were. It hurt when I found out how wrong I was, that all the beautiful dreams we painted were only thinly vieled lies.   
  
He lied. I lied.   
  
Sometimes I can still feel him around me; suffocating me. He seeps into my skin and it's all I can do not to tear it off, pieece by piece, in order to escape him. His presence and his scent, they're everywhere. Most importantly, I can feel them inside me, trapped beneath the thin surface of my skin, chaining me to the memories. I can't make him go away and on some level I don't think I want to. I like being the victim, the oppressed. Dominated.   
  
'Could you go away?   
  
Sit back'   
  
He never dominated me. He was always so kind and gentle. Quiet. Unobtrusive. He never unleashed his wolf with me, only she got th eprivlege of touching that side of him. There would be times after our love-making where I would lie in his arms and wish that I had begged him to hurt me, to fuck me. But I never did. To him I was Willow, pure and innocent. He never knew my darker depths, no one realizes how dark I am inside, how dangerous I could be.   
  
'Give me a hard heart   
  
It's all I want   
  
I need'   
  
The moonlight is creeping in through the blinds. Tiptoeing over the shadows on the floor, covering my body with its coolness. I love it here, lying on the floor, flushed and pale, the fire from the candles flickering against the wall. The moonlight dancing on my bare body. Tara is beside me on the floor, but the moon doesn't inch towards her, it only wants me and I embrace it.   
  
It feels like it's raining in my head, heavy drops that fall like unshed tears and coat my bones. There's a pool of them deep down inside me, but I never go there. I'm afraid that if I walk down those thorny paths I'll want to let myself be cover by that blackness and wickedness. Instead, I absorb the moonlight, a smile flickering across my lips as it seeps through my pores and into the dark.   
  
'I won't be your soft one   
  
I won't be a circle'   
  
She's so soft that I don't think she'd ever hurt me, even if I begged her to she'd refuse. She's so deep in her sleep, lost in gardens of pearl and dew. She doesn't have an ocean of evil within her core.   
  
She tastes like roses -- painfully, cloying, sweet -- she tells me that I taste like salt -- bitter.   
  
'You might become   
  
Something I need'   
  
I used to wish that I could be soft, all circles and curves, but I didn't come out that way. Instead I'm all angles and glass. There's nothing soft about me.   
  
Desire etches its way through my body, flickering within the pads of my fingertips. I think on some level I want to make Tara like me. Dark and cool. I want her soul. I want to know that I own her, that she's my creation.   
  
Maybe I should just get a puppy.   
  
'And I must know   
  
Must know   
  
Get closer'   
  
She doesn't know my name either, doesn't know who I am. I am the Black Goddess -- Hecate, The Crone, Persephone. The desires that burn in my belly are alien to her, foreign, corrupted, alone in the darkness.   
  
Her hair is like sunshine, beautiful and smooth. I love her hair and the way it mixes with mine. I crawl over to her and she feels me before I touch her. Her eyes are already open, large and luminous, staring into mine.   
  
'Could I go away?   
  
With the dust of your hope in my   
  
Mouth'   
  
I kiss her hard, wanting to hurt her, wanting her to scream. But she doesn't. The moonlight is still dancing on my body and begins to spread out over hers. I'm giving her darkness. I can taste the metallic blood in her mouth from where I bit her. The moonlight covers us now, wiping away the outer shadows, revealing all the harsh hollows and cracks.   
  
My mind twists with the light and she's not Tara any more. She's all of them in one body. One shell.   
  
A porcelain vase that I could so easily shatter.   
  
'Don't show me your weakness   
  
I can't rely on you   
  
To know my soul'   
  
Oz and Veruca and Faith and Xander and Tara. All wrapped into one, kissing me hard, holding me to them. Buffy and Angel and Giles and Jenny. I can feel it and it makes me want to scream. It makes me want to kiss her more. I don't know where one of them stops and the others begin, they've all become blurred together in her body.   
  
'So show me your weakness   
  
I might become   
  
Something you need'   
  
"Kiss me." I almost don't hear it, her voice is so low and seductive.   
  
"I am," I reply as my mouth dips down into her neck, nipping at her collarbone. I can feel her blood pulsing through her veins, low and rich. Is this how vampires feel? I want to bite her, penetrate the veins and drink her essence, all their essences, into me. Her hands are gripping at my shoulders, pulling my face up to hers. Her lips on mine, crushing and punishing.   
  
Destroying, until there is nothing.   
  
'Something you need   
  
Something you need   
  
To destroy' 


End file.
